The Worst Naruto Fanfic Compilation
by TekJounin
Summary: This is pure crack and possibly offensive due to poking fun at fandom: A lesson on too much enthusiasm.  Sasuke's back and things spiral out of control.
1. Chapter 1

Author: TekJounin

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, all the ninja men would be half-dressed. I'm not picky about which half, either.

Finally, after years of chasing him, Team 7 had managed to capture and return Uchiha Sasuke to Konoha. It was an epic battle, full of outrageous jutsus and heart-tugging flashbacks. Sasuke put up an incredible fight, what will all the power-ups he'd gotten for free from Orochimaru and Itachi.

At the end, he finally surrendered, saying "You know what, if I get any more powerful, I'll probably go super-nova. There is no way that a human body can contain any more awesome and smex without causing world-wide disruption. And being the most powerful creature in a rapidly-expanding ball of dust doesn't suit me. I need an _audience_ to appreciate me. I might as well go back with you and live happily ever after. BTW, where'd you get that impressive crow, Naruto? It so reminded me of...never mind. Hn."

And then he promptly passed out from having said more words at one time than he had in the past 16 years. Or maybe the belated Rasengan to the crotch that Naruto had been unable to stop. Oops. His aim usually wasn't so off.

Now Kakashi, Naruto, Sai and Sakura sat in the otherwise-deserted Interrogator's Lounge, planning their next move. Sasuke would need to be interrogated and assigned punishment before he'd be reinstated as a proud Konoha shinobi and it was their job to make the arrangements. Something that would sufficiently wipe out the cost of the lives he'd taken or disrupted over the years.

Sakura, who was now the Supreme Commander of ANBU, sighed and twirled a lock of stunningly long, lustrous pink hair around one slender finger. She'd let it grow out again, longer than before (her hair, not her finger), with the top cut in a puffy mullet like David Bowie in "Labyrinth" but floor-length in the back. It was totally awesome and looked amazing when she was regularly caught in the shower by various male ninjas, enticingly twirled around her most private bits (her hair, not the men but _didn't they just wish_). Funny how often that happened and so accidentally, every time.

She had trained hard under Tsunade and regularly triumphed over Neji in a friendly spar, while still finding time to beat Shikamaru at shougi and becoming the most skilled and sought after medic nin in the universe. Now that she'd also shown more ruthlessness than Morino Ibiki, she ran the Interrogation Department and did so with an iron fist.

At this moment, she was debating how to approach the Uchiha. Torture, seduction or brute force? Hm. The amazingly petite woman had a calculating look in her vibrant verdant emerald eyes that were situated below her cotton candy roseate bubblegum pinkette hair. Maybe all three at once. Kinky.

Not that she thought of him like _that _anymore. She'd killed her heart and taken Rule 25 to the utmost. Even if she did spend 65% of an average day crying, it wasn't weakness. It was a strength to survive dehydration on a regular basis, wasn't it? And damned handy to have all that water available for her kick-ass suitons, too. Besides, her ability to drop off to sleep at a moment's notice for 16 hours at a time kept her topped off, right? The 12-tailed wolf that she secretly harbored inside herself did take a toll, after all.

Kakashi, the former slacker sensei (well, former sensei, as he was still a slacker), had his nose buried in his Icha Icha novel and his steel-colored hair was at slouching attention. He trusted his brilliant student to make the right decision without his input, regardless of his years of experience.

He looked briefly at Naruto, with his trademark brilliant golden blonde spiky hair atop his currently drooling face that contains cerulean sapphire sky blue eyes, who was zoned out and muttering "ramen" over and over. Although Naruto had become massively stronger and was **totally **respected by the village, he was still the same goofy prankster as he'd been in his youth. He would surely make a fine Hokage soon.

Looking at the newest member of the team, Sai, the pale Sasuke clone, Kakashi noticed the ever-present fake smile and n.n eyes. Kakashi peered into the scroll the former Root member was quickly painting in. Ah, more penises. The boy might need to be introduced to the Icha Icha series. Soon. And the concept of 'love tunnels,' 'heated cores' and 'hot, wet cauldrons.' Was it 'cauldrons?' No, a mouth was a 'cavern.' Right.

Returning his gaze to the most beautiful woman in the room, Kakashi contemplated her delicate visage. She'd certainly surpassed Tsunade, in skill, jutsu and boobage. Heck, he could admit that she'd surpassed himself in all three, as well. He let his eyes roam over her curves and imagined thrusting and groping and other hentai stuff, then realized he could get all that from his little orange book without even removing his mask, plus it would preserve his cool, laidback reputation!

Just as he was about to return to said novel, something in the air changed. Naruto hadn't farted so he looked to Sakura again. He could tell that her towering intellect had arrived at the perfect solution for the situation.

Man, after all his years as an elite shinobi, she had suddenly and inexplicably left him in her dust, even though she'd shown no signs of doing anything but crying buckets or smashing things. He was so very proud of her, even though he'd neglected her training in favor of the boys. Maybe he'd even pay for his own ramen today instead of sticking her with the bill. Who was he kidding; by now it was tradition. Hehe.

Sakura was thinking furiously. This was it! Sasuke was back and she planned to make him pay dearly for breaking her heart and causing her heartfoxtwinbrother such grief. It felt so empowering to be the one on top for once. She'd worked her whole life for this very moment, forget about wanting to reach her personal best or preserving the village.

Although she deplored Sasuke's life-long ambition of revenge, it was different when she sought it. And it reminded her of her favorite song, which was playing on her iPod right now! "YMCA, it's always fun at the YMCA!" Shannaro! She'd make it fun again, just watch her! Or she'd make the brooding avenger wear those butt-less chaps, like the guy in the video. Now, that sounded like fun. She'd webcam it on her cell phone and post it on YouTube! He was such a human ice cube. (Note: required allusion)

Sakura straightened up suddenly, bashing one closed fist into the tabletop. A table leg shattered and caused the table to list drunkenly to one side. Everyone was so used to this by now that they just shifted slightly to avoid shrapnel without commenting on it or even looking up. "I think it's time I paid the traitor a little visit," she declared forcefully.

Jumping to her tiny feet, she whipped off her tightly-belted black leather doctor's coat to reveal a lush figure clad in a short, tight, lacy, see-through, halter-necked pink dress (the new female Jounin uniform, designed by Genma). Making sure her fishnet stockings were straight and her tasteful, yet enormous, diamond and ruby cherry blossom necklace was secure, she stood in her thigh-high, 6" stiletto-heeled boots and strode swiftly to the room where Sasuke was being held.

The three Jounins looked through the one-way mirror into the holding cell and watched as Sakura walked in, all swaying hips and jiggling cleavage. Sasuke remained stone-faced as she came into view, even when she grabbed a metal chair that was bolted to the floor, spun it around backwards & straddled it, revealing her microscopic pink thong panties in the process. She, of course, had no idea that she looked magnificent. He took a moment to ponder if it was indeed panties or matching carpet before deciding that no one, not even Sakura, would have shimmering, hot-pink carpet.

Flipping through his file that she mysteriously produced out of thin air, Sakura concentrated on his long list of misdeeds. Surreptitiously, she looked at him from the corner of her eye, even though he was right in front of her. He was still devastatingly handsome, if a bit thin. She gnawed on her lips and firmed her resolve. She would not be a fangirl to an Uchiha ever again! She was strong and he would know it for sure this time.

"Tell me, Uchiha-sama, does revenge taste as sweet as you thought it would?," she purred. Yeah, she purred. It was dead sexy but she wasn't aware of that. Sakura's seafoam green eyes shyly looked at him from under a fringe of impossibly long, thick cerise eyelashes.

Sasuke merely stared at her, unblinking. He wasn't going to fall for any stupid girly tricks, not matter how much she frightened him. He was an expertly forged weapon, tempered in blood, sharp and deadly. He'd killed his loving _brother_, for kami-sama-llama-ding-dong's sake! Besides, if he answered her, surely he would lose his composure and cry like a baby. After all, no one in the world could understand his hate, his love, his aching need for tomatoes, his recent understanding of forehead pokes.

There would be no sharing of feelings or any of that personal crap for this uber-hot avenger! He had an angsty reputation to uphold. Besides, he only ever told those sorts of things to Mr. Roary, his stuffed green dinosaur. Mr. Roary never repeated a word, never told of the countless tears he'd absorbed, never judged, never seemed to mind an occasional awkward hump. His black button eyes just stared back, accepting it all. Sasuke sometimes thought those eyes were like his nii-san's but couldn't quite fathom the can of worms _that _thought would open.

"Sasuke-kuuun, please. Tell me that you're a changed man now. Tell me that you love Konoha and will defend it to your last breath. If you do, we'll give a few D-rank missions and then you can move back into the Uchiha district and start reviving your clan," Sakura begged prettily.

"Hn," he grunted, "Sure. What you said."

"Oh, gee, Sasuke-kun!" she cried happily, clapping her hands, her eyes huge, quivering and shiny. "I just knew you were under some twisted Sharingan hoodoo from Madara! Or emotional trauma from the Massacre, which Madara also orchestrated! It was all Madara and you were the vulnerable pawn, with absolutely no free will or choice in the matter. Now we can put all this unpleasantness behind us and everything will go back to the way it was before!" Sakura's face lit up like the sun and she smiled that happy, vapid smile he remembered so well from their early years, her eyes welling with tears.

"Tch. Whatever," grunted Sasuke. He secretly marveled at how intuitive Sakura had become but dismissed the thought immediately. After all, she was just a weak girl. With boobs that only an anime character could move around with. He pondered whether she used chakra supports or an anti-gravity device to keep them so perky looking. Not that he _cared_. He needed to remember that.

Sakura jumped to her feet & skipped over to the avenger. Using her chakra scalpels and her monstrous strength, she had him released from his bonds in no time. Forget about keys and stuff, she wanted him to know freedom after his ordeal! He was almost impressed with her skills but quickly dismissed the feeling. After all, she could smash mountains and heal fatal (fatal!) wounds with those little hands but it wasn't like she could do chidori or anything cool.

Sasuke stood up and towered over Sakura, even in her heels. She was so delicate, he could crush her with one hand. Her head only came up to his belt, which could come in handy for, ahem, _other_ activities. How she'd gotten smaller than she was at age 12, he couldn't understand but that was all right, since he didn't really care anyway. Remember? Even if he now realized that he suddenly found himself undeniably attracted to her.

She was thin, incredibly thin, and so very fragile, it was a wonder she could bear the weight of that astounding rack. He realized that he was getting uncomfortable _down there_, just thinking about her pre-pubescent, but fully developed, form. It didn't make him a pedophile, did it? He didn't care at the moment, he was just glad to know that "Mr. Hebi" hadn't been seriously damaged from that awkward blow Naruto had landed in the epic battle. He had a clan to revive, even if he didn't have the faintest idea how to go about it. He had a vague idea that fruit was involved.

Feeling very self-conscious, Sasuke bowed to Sakura and thanked her for freeing him from his torment over abandoning his home and friends. (A/N: Cuz he just would, you know? So like him. idk) And it didn't hurt that he had an excellent view of her cleavage while he did it.

Wait, she was a medic nin, right? Maybe he'd tell her he'd pulled a groin muscle and get her to check it out. Maybe he'd let _her_ pull his groin muscle when he got her back to his enormous, marble-floored, leather furniture-furnished, fully-modern mansion that still had maids and butlers roaming the place. It would be an honor any woman (and many of the men) in the village would jump at. He made a mental note to stop at the market on the way home to stock up on lemons. Yeah. _Lemons_.

Sakura took his enormous hand with her frail little appendage and looked so far up to see his beautiful face, framed with those gorgeous chicken-butt raven locks. Some days she missed having that school-girl crush on him, especially when he looked so hott, like OMG.

Forget that he hadn't bathed after the battle or that he was still wearing that fashion disaster skirt-and-rope outfit. Despite all of that, she could still smell the unique scent of him: kunai oil, lightly chewed fresh spearmint gum and possibly a bit of cat poo.

Wait, what? Could she be falling in love with him again? No, it couldn't be. She was so over him. Oh, but why not, she thought. I'm the most powerful kunoichi in the world; he'll respect me for that, right? Cuz that would so be like him. 'And if he doesn't return my feelings, whatever _they_ might be, I'll just stuff myself with ice cream and KFC and watch chick flicks on DVD while Ino tries to set me up with her rejects', she thought. 'And cry. Maybe I'll get incredibly drunk, cuz a ninja who's pretty much on duty 24/7 would get totally plastered if their heart was broken. Again. And cry. Or whatever. idk, lalala.'

Having acted as far out of character as he thought he possibly could and still remain _him_, Sasuke demanded that he be allowed to leave. Sakura timidly allowed him to sweep past her, his elbow brushing against her highly sensitive and increasingly large bosom. He wrenched the door open and in two powerful strides was in the hall.

Pausing, he slanted a look at her over his shoulder with his smoldering onyx eyes. Sakura felt a growing ache in her loins but decided to hum to distract herself. No one else in the world makes a conscience decision to hum but Sakura was not your average rosy-pink-haired, apple-green-eyed little girl.

"Are you coming?" he asked. Sakura squealed and ran to catch up to him. He was polite! He asked her to accompany him! It was like she'd always dreamed. Sigh.


	2. Chapter 2

Returning to the lounge, Sakura reached up and gathered all her boys into a giant hug around the knees, which was saying something, since her arms were so tiny and her breasts were so large. They decided to indulge Naruto by going to Ichiraku for ramen to celebrate.

On the way, Kakashi casually scooped Sakura up & stuffed her in his kunai pouch. It was the safest place to put the diminutive woman. It kept her from becoming a busty smudge in someone's sandal tread and made travel much faster. Sakura happily clung to the opening of the pouch and peered around Kakashi's ass, much like a puppy in the window of a moving vehicle.

Once at the noodle stand, Naruto ordered 7,000 bowls of miso ramen and a diet Coke for himself. Sakura was deposited on the lunch counter to eat her thimble-full of seafood ramen. A single noodle could feed her for days! Sasuke ordered tomato ramen, while Kakashi got a plain broth that he could slurp messily through his mask and Sai ordered octopus ramen with real ink in the broth. Sakura giggled for no reason at all. _At all!  
_  
While they waited for the ramen, Naruto turned to Sasuke and smirked. Sasuke smirked back at Naruto. Kakashi was so glad to see them friendly again that _he _smirked. Sai had no clue what was going on but smirked like the rest because he'd read in a book that you should copy your social groups. Sakura was thinking about having her team back together and how she was going to kick all their backsides at training, which caused her to smirk as well. If a smirk made a sound, the ramen stand would sound like a frog chorus.

After the smirking died down, talk turned to what missions Sasuke would have to perform for his punishment. Naruto suggested that the teme be required to clean Naruto's apartment but got shot down because that was at least an A-rank assignment, possibly S-rank. Besides, no one liked the way Naruto was waggling his eyebrows when he said the bed was a mess. Not even Naruto liked it but there you are.

It was finally decided that Sasuke would have to give Sakura full-body massages after her tiring days running huge publishing corporation and working as an airplane mechanic. Totally platonic massages. Totally naked, totally platonic massages. Both of them, totally naked.

No one remembered if it was Kakashi or Sasuke who suggested the mission, as everyone was busily adjusting their napkins on their laps. Sakura giggled again, just because.

Ino approved heartily, as she'd spent the last handful of years honing her skills at gossiping, shopping and trying to get her beautiful friend laid. She often dreamed that if she could manage the trifecta of getting Sakura laid while she was shopping and talking about other people at the same time, she would gladly die the happiest blonde evah. Sighing happily, she went back to making sure everyone knew which designer labels were on her clothes, because ninja are all about that sort of thing.

Without realizing he'd spoken aloud, Sasuke murmured "I never noticed before how beautiful Sakura's orbs are." Naruto turned fiercely to Sasuke and loudly threatened the newly-returned and completely forgiven man with really impractical and dire consequences for the teme for staring at his sisterhearttwin's chest.

Sakura shrieked like an itty-bitty (but surprisingly powerful) banshee at Naruto, cutting off Sasuke's explanation about eyes. She brought one miniscule fist down on his head, shattering his skull and splattering brain tissue all over the place. Suddenly, feeling just the least bit sorry toward her foxheartftwinbrother, she gently healed all the damage and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Naruto instantly forgave her, then rubbed the back of his head and said "Saaakuraaa-chaaan-ttebayo." His left eye fell out of the socket and landed in his 4,235th bowl of ramen but the kyuubi slurped it back up like a noodle and healed it. Ah, just like old times.

With that out of the way, the old friends chatted and teased. Eventually, other members of the Rookie 9 and Team Gai wandered in. Some were openly hostile to the returned Uchiha while others revived their old crushes on him at lightning speed, females and males alike.

Soon the ramen stand was packed to capacity with shinobi, all chattering happily, since the angry ones had decided to go with the flow and forgive Sasuke, just like that, because it would make their beloved Sakura-hime happy. And she deserved to be happy, having suffered and been so strong and selfless for so many years and everyone loved her the best. Oh, yeah, someone kept yelling stuff about 'youth' and someone else monotoned about 'fate', too, and one far away voice kept saying 'katsu.'

Sasuke pondered on his next mission: reviving the clan. If he could get Sakura to use some medical kinjutu to ensure that her pregnancies would result in multiple births, he could kickstart the clan easily. He was pretty sure that he'd heard of octuplets happening. Let's see, in 5 years, he could have the clan back up to **42** members (if he married her and then counted her as an Uchiha).

Maybe he'd give her a little time off between births to rest up, so it might be 6 years but that wasn't so bad. In just 12 years, they could be at 80 members! That's more than the original clan. What a clever plan he'd come up with.

No one noticed the lone figure standing on top of the utility pole, red eyes gleaming in the light of the full moon and one arm jutting uncomfortably out of the neck of his black and red cloak. He was there to observe the happy gathering, just in case there would be a sequel to the story and it needed foreshadowing. Also, it would confuse anyone who noticed, since he was supposed to be dead, which is just what the sexy genius had planned.

Eventually, the happy crowd suddenly realized that the shop owner had blown out the lanterns and gone home hours ago. They all skipped off to their various homes.

Naruto begged Sasuke to stay at his apartment but the Uchiha wanted to get back to the manor and do some long overdue polishing. He just knew that his favorite knob needed it after all this time. And then he needed to get all those lemons lined up for later.

Shino was chattering rather animatedly (for him) to Kiba as they strolled into the dark village. It seemed he'd found a new bug at the ramen stand for his collection. It was quite small but seemed to have pink on it's head and down it's back. It had an unusually large and bouncy thorax, too. It did something that made his hand sting several times but he didn't crush it.

It was so beautiful, it would be a shame to destroy it. And it's legs looked like tiny leather boots, which was really adorable. He stuffed it into a bug hole by his chin and thought he could feel his other bugs congregating around it.

Tsume observed her whelp of a son with his long-time lover. Damn. It seemed he was going to follow in his absent father's footsteps after all. She wondered if the Aburame knew that the "clan tactics" that Kiba had him practice were traditionally used on women.

Ah well, she was going to have to rely on her bitch of a daughter to provide the next litter of Inuzukas. She had a few ideas for how she could get the pervy Hatake to put down his novel long enough to notice Hana. (Her favorite idea so far was ripping his pants off and throwing her naked daughter on his kunai. No need to sniff around the bush, ne?)

He would make a fine sire for her grandkids and it didn't hurt that he had an amazing kennel of ninken already. She gave a bark of laughter, because now she decided to find Genma for a little romp. She knew he couldn't resist the way she growled his name and didn't think it had anything to do with the claws she dug into his thigh, so very close to Genma, Jr.

In the meantime, a figure dressed in traditional ninja garb, including the mask and tabi boots, stealthily trailed Naruto as he journeyed homeward. Flitting from shadow to shadow, the wraith-like being kept pace but never revealed it's presence. Upon reaching Naruto's (rather untidy) apartment, he unlocked the door and braced himself for the smell he knew would greet him.

Suddenly, the dark figure pounced! Naruto was shoved into his apartment and pinned to the wall. The figure pressed tightly to his back and whispered, "Caught you, jinchuuriki." Naruto panicked for a moment, then realized that none of the remaining Akatsuki member had a frontside that _pleasant_ to push into his back.

He turned around, easily overpowering the smaller figure and tugged down the mask that hid the figure's face.

"Hinata!" he cried. "What are you doing? Is this some sort of training?"

"Ano, Naruto-kun. I decided to be more like you and be brave about talking to you. I want you to know that I acknowledge you and would do anything for you! Anything you ask!" the shy heiress declared.

Naruto swept the stunned girl into a bone-crushing hug. "Hinata," he said emotionally, "I've waited so long to hear someone say that."

With that said, he dropped her back to her feet and tugged her hand. "Follow me. I've got something for you to do that's been a loooong time coming."

Hinata nearly fainted, but followed him docilely into the main room. Naruto let go her hand and said, "Just a moment. I need to get everything ready. Please have a seat and I'll be back in a second."

She looked at the (rather untidy) apartment and balked at the idea of sitting _anywhere_. Fortunately, Naruto returned before she needed to think about it anymore.

He stood before her, grinning like a fox and clad in coveralls and rubber gloves. His hands were full of cleaning supplies and another set of coveralls.

"Sorry that the clothes are too large for you but if you would help me get this place cleaned up, maybe Sasuke will stay overnight sometimes," he said happily.

Hinata looked at him, looked at the apartment, looked back at that beautiful smile and wilted. She'd help him clean but in return, she was gonna get something _she_ wanted. Something that was also a long time coming. Once the place was sanitary, she'd just see if he could resist her own "gentle breast" technique.

And so Konoha returned to normal. Everyone missed Sakura but figured she had taken an extra-long mission or was working even more hours at the hospital, as no one remembered seeing her after the night at Ichiraku. But it was OK, now that the dobe and the teme were reunited like brothers.

**The end.**


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